The World Series

For some reason I still believed in my mom, I believed that life wasn't that different for me than it was for anyone else. I believed Doug when he told me it wasmy fault I got hit, and when he said it was her fault my mom got hit. Richard convinced me he wasn't doing anything wrong either. I spent as much as time as possible doing things to stay under the radar so-to-speak. I spent as much time as possible hanging out with Bobby or playing basketball with other friends.  

Bobby and I had two things we cared about. Pro Wrestling and Baseball and 1990 was a great year for Baseball. The Reds had won the first 9 games of the season and never looked back. They were in first place all year! It had never been done, and to make it more unusual they did it with a full team of average players.  Facing them in the Word Series was The Oakland A's! A team full of power-hitting superstars. Even their catcher hit 30 homeruns. Mark McGuire, Jose Canseco, Dave Parker, Rickey Henderson, the list goes on and on.

I was turning on the game to watch game one, with my "family"; unfortunately my family was already drunk.  Doug was asking my opinion of the match up, almost like he cared.

Who knew my answer  would set him off? I told him exactly what he already knew; I am for the Reds but I think the A's will win. He started yelling at me saying that I wasn't really a Reds fan...Like always Doug didn't let me say anything, he stood over me yelling in my face "I'm a Reds fan, I'm a Reds fan but I want them to lose, Reds fan, I'm a Reds fan....this continued from the pregame well into the third inning. I got up and tried to walk down the hall to my room and instantly felt the cold liquid followed by the hardness of the aluminum can hitting me in the back of the head. He immediately started back on me verbally finally provoking me to pick up his half full beer can he had thrown at my head and throw it back.  I was caught off guard by that, and instead of going to my room, I stepped out the back door and onto my bike and headed for Richard's house. I got there in time to see The Reds win game one! Of course going to Richard's came with it's own price.

The next day, game two, it started and everyone at my house were pretty much sober. Or so it seemed. Mid-ways through the game my mom and Doug started arguing. Of course they were drinking, tonight though it was whiskey. The arguing got louder and louder and I finally got up to my room. The Reds won game two! I tried to turn the music up loud enough to cover the sounds of them screaming at each other but that didn't work.

I decide to go ride the bike a little as I came out of my room and looked down the hall I noticed my mom and Doug in a physical struggle, Doug shoved my mom to floor and rather than continue to fight she just sat back and reached for the bottle. Doug grabbed the bottle before she could get and took a big drink. Then he smashed the bottle over her head. I ran down the hall and jumped on him, hitting him with everything I had, we fought all over the living room banging into every bit of furniture we had. Somehow into the front door knocking it open yet not falling out into the yard. Knocking that door open is probably what saved both my life and my mom's.

We broke free of each other and locked eyes which seemed to to take a long time but in reality was more likely only a second or two. I broke eye contact and looked at my mother laying there on the floor covered in blood. I had blood on me, scrapes and bruises and Doug was bleed from his lip or nose, maybe both. I turned towards my mother and never saw it coming...Doug picked up the remainder of the broken bottle and lunged at me. He got me just under my ribs on my left side.

I'm not real sure what happened next. I'm sure it'll eventually come back to me. My next memory was sitting in the waiting room at the hospital with stitches in my belly waiting on news about my mom. The security guard at the hospital keeping me company while I watched Nick-at-Nite.  

Choices

Doug was much worse than Steve or Richard, because once Doug started it was a nearly every night thing. He was much more aggressive than Steve and wouldn't stop once he started.

One night Doug was taking his anger out on me, and rather than stay there and listen to him, I rode away on my bike. It was a school night though so my only option was staying at Richard's house. Richard was dealing to his junkie friends when I got there, but he had no problem with me walking in and watching TV. I slept on the couch, I woke up and started to get ready for school, and Richard was already awake.

Richard grabbed my wrist, took me to his room, and forced himself on me again. When he was done I had to get dressed and leave immediately to catch the bus, and I did just get there in time. Like always I took my seat, and like always Danny told me to move, that was his seat...I was already upset from the rape, and the previous night's run in with Doug; to top it all off I was sitting there with Richard's mess still on me, the unclean feeling of his seman on me, the smell of his sweat fresh in my mind. All that, and this guy wants to fight me over a seat! Fuck him and his friend. I sat there, he said again. "hey asshole, that's my seat!" I heard him but still did not move or even look at him. He said "If I tell you again I'm going to throw your ass out of my seat!" I turn and looked at him and told him "If you want this seat so bad, take it!"  Danny and Rocky both took other seats and never bothered me again.

That evening when I came home Doug was already drunk as was my mom, so it was already an uneasy atmosphere. Doug was on me as soon as I walked in it seemed like over leaving the night before. I tried to bite my tongue, but he was relentless and aggressive. The more I tried to turn away, the more he got on my face, yelling the same few words over and over. Spit flying out of his mouth. I tried to head to my  room and he grabbed me and drove me into the wall. We busted through the drywall in the living room and while I was stuck in wall he started hitting me, still yelling at me, screaming in my face. Once he finally stopped and I pulled myself out of the huge hole in the wall I went into my room. I laid there with Nick-at-Nite reruns on. Laying in bed trying to figure out what I could do. My only options seemed like staying there with Doug or going to Richard's. It was fight an unwinnable fight with Doug or go be sexually violated by Richard.

This was the first time I wanted to end it, I thought taking my own life would be better than what I was living with.

I laid there in bed thinking that soon my dad or my brother would come help me, but those fantasies didn't take long to play out my head before the reality of the situation hit me. They're not coming back. Then I would think of things I would do to protect myself or how I would hurt them, if I were bigger...again that night it didn't take long for the reality to hit me. I spent the rest of the night thinking of how  I could kill myself and how my mom, Richard, and Doug would react. I hated every minute I was home, I hated every minute I was at school because unless I physically doing something or very engaged mentally all I could do was focus on the feelings of helplessness that were cause by Richard and his friends raping me, or focus of the anger and fear that Doug caused.

A few weeks went by with me bouncing between Richard's house and mine. Usually choosing Richard's house over home because at least I didn't fear for my life with Richard.

Saturday Night at 6:05 Wrestling was coming on and my mom calls Richard's house and I answered, she sounded frantic "come home. hurry"

Richard wasn't home so I rode my bike, and when I got there I could hear Doug yelling from several trailers away. I jumped off my bike while it was still in motion and ran inside. Doug was standing over my mom choking her with both hands. Her nose bloody glasses broke. I jumped on his back and fought him as hard as I could. We ended up crashing through the glass coffee table. Thankfully the neighbors heard the commotion and yelled into the open door that they were calling cops. That was enough to bring Doug to his senses, he got up and went to his car, bleeding and drunk, he drove away. My middle finger and elbow both or my right arm ended up getting stitches, and like always. My mom denied that there was any abuse happening.
  

False hope

**Richard's Ranchero looked just like this one, except not in as good shape**
**Richard's Ranchero looked just like this one, except not in as good shape**

Close to Spring break, my best friend came to me after school one day to let me know he was moving. This sucked but it was better than when Neil and Tiffany moved, because Bobby was still going to be in Madison, just not so close. I had "back up friends" Chris and Jason and their cousin Stacy lived a couple doors down.  They weren't  competitive like Bobby and I so hanging out with them was different. There was Robbie who was fun to play basketball with but he wasn't very athletic so it wasn't competitive either.  
**All three of those guys ended up with serious troubles of their own**
Stacy and I became real close, she had some bad shit going on in her house too. She lived in the house right by the Mulberry Street Bridge, she and I would spend hours sitting under the bridge listening to Aerosmith and just talking. I had become reckless and somewhat of a daredevil/show-off mostly (I think) because I no longer cared if I got hurt.  The bridge that crossed Mulberry had a tall guard-rail and big drop down to the creek below. I'd often walk across that rail like a tight rope, with whoever was watching telling how nervous it made them. When that stunt got old I started walking it forward and then walking back across backwards. Stacy and I would occasionally walk across town to her aunt's house. I'd take my bike so I could ride back, anytime we came across somewhere that had something I could pull a stunt or trick with my bike, I'd take the opportunity to show off. I needed that attention, that praise, I wasn't getting it from my mom and the attention I was getting from Richard and his friends probably made my attention seeking worse. Unfortunately I really never grew out of seeking attention, luckily I do have an outlet for that energy.

Bobby moving did save me from a lot of nights at the Cinnamon Tea room because I would go up to his house on weekends and stay at least one night there. Through the week however Richard was still having his way mornings and nights. I ended up at the CTR about a night every other week.

My school pictures came out and Richard hung an 8x10 above his bed, to show me how much he "loved" me (that picture still hung above his bed years after I was gone) I hated that he had my picture there, I hated that he called me his son, but those things were nothing compared to the sexual abuse and the sharing me with his friends.

Richard and my mom were fighting what little time I saw them together, Richard was accusing my mom of cheating on him; she probably was. So Richard starting cheating too, first with one of his  "hundreds" of ex's Sandy Brown. She would come over and drink with Mark and Charlotte and flirt with Richard. Her kids would come too Candy was a few years older than me and really didn't talk to me, CJ was a couple years younger than me, and I didn't talk to him because I thought he was weird...Now I wonder if he was weird  because maybe he or his sister had endured the same that I had... His other sister Carrie I got along with pretty good, she encouraged my stunts and actually pushed me to do more. Richard and Sandy's rekindled relationship was short lived, he moved on to a lady named Charlene who my mom met and seemed ok with her being there...for a while.

One night they were all drinking together and one thing led to another, before long Charlene and my mom were fighting, I remember somehow the couch had gotten moved away from the wall and they were behind it, both of them with both hands in the other's hair as they both fell head first over the back of the couch. Even this wasn't enough to get mom to leave Richard.

Richard's next girl-friend was an 18 year old mentally handicapped girl Joyce Wyskocil (her brother Sonny recently was arrested for sexually abusing a dog)  Finally my mom had enough! We packed up and moved to Fourth Street where the trailer was.

It was pretty cool living there with just mom. Our neighbor was Brad, who like Bobby was very competitive. My mom had started seeing a guy named Jody Sutter, he was young and treated me pretty good, he was mostly indifferent to me I suppose but it was better than what I was used to. It seemed things finally had turned around...until for whatever reason we all three went to Richard's house.

It started off ok, but my mom was flirting or something with Richard and Jody was mad and ready to leave. It ended up with Richard and Jody fighting in the street. It seemed like it was over, Richard got the better of him and that was that.  As Jody tried to walk away though Richard grabbed a baseball that he kept in his Ranchero and hit Jody twice in the back and once in leg with it. Just like that my mom was back with Richard again... 

Cinnamon Tea

**picture is Cinnamon Tea Room as it looks now, the events of my blog took place over 30 years ago.**

It was getting close to winter time, probably mid November. It's hard to say because we didn't do anything for Thanksgiving that year. I remember watching USWA wrestling and Richard telling me that I was going with him on some service calls. Half the calls were real service charges and the others were drug deals. The way I could tell the difference is that on the service calls he'd usually have me come in and hand him tools and help him clean things up afterwards. This was an unusually long day for me helping him. He rarely took me to more than one or two calls in a day totalling no more than a couple hours. This day we left at or around noon (when USWA went off) and we were still out after 9!

It did take my mind off of his sexual abuse though. We stayed busy for the most part and it took my mind off it (mostly)

Richard told me that he one more stop. He pulled up at The Cinnamon Tea Room, the apartments above the business were some of Madison's cheapest apartments and housed some of Madison's worst citizens. I was about to find out first hand. Richard took me upstairs with him. He introduced me to the guys that were there. Keith, Mouse, Billy Meadows, and two guys who's names I cannot remember.  Richard told them "This is my son"  I could tell that these guys were shady, but I felt like they respected or feared Richard, so I felt safe. Richard walked into the other room with Keith and Billy. He was in there for a few minutes and when he came out the smell of marijuana was strong. They were all smiles so whatever we stopped there for must have gone the way Richard wanted. We left, stopped by Hinkles for a milkshake and then went home.

Shortly after we got home Richard came into my room where I was playing Nintendo and stood in front of me, he guided my hand to where he wanted and as I started to do what he wanted he grabbed my headed to psh my mouth on him.

My teeth were real crooked as a child my front teeth formed a "V" crossing a little. They were also unusually sharp where they crossed. I didn't mean to, but I wish I had. My teeth cut him, in a very sensitive area! He yelled and cussed, quickly zipped up and never tried to force me into orally pleasing him again.

The next day I went out to play basketball and was out all day. When I came home it was dark but not real late. He told me "get in the car, we're going for a ride"

He took me to the Cinnamon Tea Room again.  The apartment was crowded this time and Richard was supplying them with everything they wanted. I'm not sure what the drugs of choice were, but most were shooting up.

The junkies at The Cinnamon Tea Room were nice to me at this point. They'd give me chips and pop or whatever I asked for. I hated that even though they knew my name they still called me "Richard's boy", like "Hey, someone grab the doritos for Richard's boy." I was sitting on the couch watching TV with Mouse. He let me have the remote so were watching Green Acres on Nick-at-Nite.  I was also watching around the room as people were passing out from the drugs. One guy had shot up and Keith seemed concerned with him. He whispered to Richard something and Richard grabbed me and left abruptly. I'm not sure the man's name, but I had seen him around Richard's house buying pills and the like several time. I'm assuming he Od'ed that night, but I don't know for sure. I do know I never saw him again.  

This is one of the more sensitive situations and thinking of what's next has my anxiety up. So I stop here for the day.   

Church?

**This picture was taken from the internet, this is the building that would later become the Church in my post, and later would become Historic Madison Inc. **

I woke up, one morning after falling asleep on the couch. I stayed up late most nights after Richard did to me whatever he would do. I'd sit alone in the dark for a while and then eventually pull myself up and go to the living room and watch the Nick-at-Nite Reruns. I woke this particular Saturday morning and watched wrestling just as I would any Saturday. Afterwards I went and got dressed and headed over to Bobby's house. My mom was passed out hanging half off her bed. Unfortunately this was not abnormal. She was oblivious to the fact that her son was being molested every day, and sometimes a couple times a day. I kept thinking this was only temporary and one day she would just snap out of it...she never did. I remember my temperament was growing worse at this point. I lost faith in adults as a whole.

It got worse that night. Like always Richard had several friends over that night but now Richard for some reason had pretty much stopped caring if his junkies knew what he was doing to me. They either didn't didn't care, or ignored it in favor of whatever drugs he was selling them. This particular evening he had taken me to my room and climbed on top of me while his friend Billy Meadows was in the living room. When he finished he just went right back into the living room and sat down and carried on a conversation like nothing had happened. By this point, I was just laying there, taking it. It wasn't easy at all, but it was at least easier that way. I had heard Billy say to Richard "He sure is a good boy." I got up and walked into the living room and straight out the door to my bike. I rode, with no destination in mind. I just wanted away from there.

Billy had apparently let Richard know that he knew someone else he knew would be interested in my company. Things were about to go from bad to worse.

I rode my bike down to the other end of town where the old (semi retired) rail road tracks were. I hid my bike behind some brush. I went off into the woods. I fantasized that I had run away and that I was living off the land. I told myself that someday I would make this happen. This would become a recurring fantasy of mine. I even went as far as to build a small shelter for myself out some old pallets I found. I went home that evening and Richard was ready for me AGAIN.  This time he made me use my hand, but he held my had down close to it. "Breathe on it" he would say as he was getting closer.

When that was finally over, I went in to watch TV and eat cereal. I was still sitting there watching TV when my mom came in.  As I type this, I can visually see everything, but there is nothing more I can put into words to describe how often these things happened or the flood of different emotions but anger was the most prevalent. My mom walked in already tipsy and started her baby talk bullshit with Richard and it went through me. I felt so helpless and SHE was my only hope! 

Sunday morning rolled around and before I was even awake Richard was on top of me, this time he wasn't going for just on top of the clothes stuff though, it was all the way! I hadn't had to deal with that since he stopped taking showers with me. When he finished he handed me a towel and had me "clean up" even though the real mess was inside. He went and took a quick shower and when he came out he told me "get dressed we're going to Church"

WHAT?!?!?! He literally just raped me, and now he's making go to CHURCH with him?

The Church he chose to start going to was at the corner of West Street and Third Street (It's now Historic Madison Inc) The preacher was all red faced and angry, one of those Hellfire and Brimstone guys, very passionate but his message was not received. All I could think was what just happened and now I'm sitting in this pew with Richard's mess soaking my underwear.  Richard though was locked in, focused straight and center hanging on every word. Somehow, still nothing changed. After Church we went on a service call together then Richard took me home and dropped me off and went out to do more work.

I was going to go further today,  but the anxiety is getting to me.

Mr. Ison

*pictured is Eggleston Elementary school*

I had moved my shower times around so much and so often it was almost impossible for Richard to get to me during shower time. He had taken to rubbing himself against me in my bed, and of course while that was better in some fashion it did take longer, and his hair against my body was more noticeable as was the smell of his sweat. The worse part is the "mess", if we were in the shower it would wash away unnoticed but now it was on me.

Sometimes he'd get to me mornings before school, before I had even woke up he was on me. Then he'd so shower. So I couldn't get the clean feeling I needed, and all day that smell of body odor was fresh in my mind. To this day I struggle with feeling clean enough or the smell of people's body odor.

After Richard finished, I would get dressed and head to school. Mr. Ison, my teacher knew there was abuse, but didn't know what kind. He recognized bad days from good. He pulled me aside one day due to my fidgeting. I was sitting next to someone who had a b/o problem. Which made me feel dirty. Mr. Ison sent someone to the store and bought me a brush and deodorant. He'd occasionally make an excuse to excuse me through out the day so I could freshen up, even though the hygiene problem wasn't mine, it helped
...still does.

He tried to talk to me about "what was going on" but I lied and said everything was ok. The fact that he cared so much has always stood out to me. To this day Mr. Ison has always been my favorite teacher.